Thursday Special ~ Supersex

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,….

“I’ll take the soup.”

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I wonder why my oldest brother sent this to me? Do you think his aim was to encourage or discourage me from going into a home for the bewildered elderly?

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Thursday Special ~ Punny world

Paul started a new job in Seoul last week. He thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

The “rocket salad” I bought went off before I could eat it!

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van. The driver was sobbing and looked miserable. I thought, “that guy’s heading for a breakdown.”

A wife says to her husband, “you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.”

My daughter asked me for a spider for her birthday. At the pet shop, they were £70! “Blow this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

19 mates go to the cinema. The ticket lady exclaims, “So many of you!” Mick nods, “The film said 18 or over.”

A mate of mine denied being addicted to brake fluid. He reckoned he could stop any time.

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

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Thank you Paul, for the little giggles this week.

Thursday Special ~ Winter Warning

The Weather Channel has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following items with them:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Road flares or reflective triangles
Full gas can
First Aid kit
Booster cables

I looked like an idiot when I got on the bus this morning!

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If anyone sees Nancy L, please relieve her of that heavy load, take her home and tell her I said “Thank you” for this little beauty today!

Thursday Special ~ Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,

“Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“I’m taking Earlene with me”.

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Thanks to Nancy L for this weeks little rib tickler.

Thursday Special ~ AT 73

A leaflet arrived through my letterbox today. It informed me that I can have sex at 73.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 71. So it’s not too far to walk home
afterwards. And it’s the same side of the street.

I don’t even have to cross the road!

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I think this one came from Al. If not him, then it was Al anon.

I don’t know what Al is on, but I’ll have some. Thank you very much!

I’ve been found out!

A last hat tip to the festive season of last year. Yes, I know. I know it was only last week, but some of you have muzzy fuzzy heads and are not sure what day it is never mind which year, so where was I and what was I up to?

Well, Elly did catch me with my arm around an elf when she was with me a few weeks ago.

I found me an elf!

So….. What about the big day?

That Elly wan and all the family think I was sitting at home on my own with my one mince pie and a little glass of wine, but… should I tell them what I was really up to?

I think I have to since I was rumbled.

Secret Santa

It was Nancy L who sent this one to me, Do you think she was in cahoots with Mayo?

Thursday Special ~ Portrait sitting

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, ”Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and gold Rolex.”

“But you’re not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I am sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

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Thanks to Tilly for this sparkly number.

Thursday Special ~ Housework

Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived

home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in
the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the
table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an
article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and who had to do their own
housework were too tired to have sex’.

The night went off very well. The next day, she told her office
friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up
the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’

‘But what about sex afterwards?’ asked her friends.

‘Oh, that?’ said Jenny …

‘Ralph was too tired…’

No, it was not Mayo this time, but his sidekick – Ramana, who passed on this little giggle today.

Thursday Special ~ Joining a club!

Yesterday my daughter asked (again) why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my “doing something useful” seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation at the moment. She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior centre and socialize with the other seniors and play games, do crafts, play cards or bowl, and have lunch.

I did this a few times and when I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I told her that I had a great time and met one of the volunteers there who signed me up for a parachute club.

She said, “Are you nuts? You’re over 85 years old and you’re going to start jumping out of air-planes ?”

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

“Well then I’m in trouble twice… I signed up for five jumps a week,” I told her.

She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it really can be fun…..

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Nancy, this is like something I would do! It made me giggle!

Thursday Special ~ What Happens in Heaven stays in Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger-tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”

The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you.”

“I don’t know” replies the man, “picture this, I’m butt naked, hiding
in this cedar chest . . . . . . . . . . ”

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This one has Nancy L written all over it. Good to have you back with us again Nance!