A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,….
“I’ll take the soup.”
I wonder why my oldest brother sent this to me? Do you think his aim was to encourage or discourage me from going into a home for the
Paul started a new job in Seoul last week. He thought it was a good Korea move.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
The “rocket salad” I bought went off before I could eat it!
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van. The driver was sobbing and looked miserable. I thought, “that guy’s heading for a breakdown.”
A wife says to her husband, “you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.”
My daughter asked me for a spider for her birthday. At the pet shop, they were £70! “Blow this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
19 mates go to the cinema. The ticket lady exclaims, “So many of you!” Mick nods, “The film said 18 or over.”
A mate of mine denied being addicted to brake fluid. He reckoned he could stop any time.
Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Thank you Paul, for the little giggles this week.
The Weather Channel has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following items with them:
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
Road flares or reflective triangles
Full gas can
First Aid kit
I looked like an idiot when I got on the bus this morning!
If anyone sees Nancy L, please relieve her of that heavy load, take her home and tell her I said “Thank you” for this little beauty today!
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
“Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
“I’m taking Earlene with me”.
Thanks to Nancy L for this weeks little rib tickler.
A leaflet arrived through my letterbox today. It informed me that I can have sex at 73.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 71. So it’s not too far to walk home
afterwards. And it’s the same side of the street.
I don’t even have to cross the road!
I think this one came from Al. If not him, then it was Al anon.
I don’t know what Al is on, but I’ll have some. Thank you very much!
All this wind and water has gone to my head, so a visit to the Doctor was called for.
He suggested a little something to cheer me up and improve my outlook:
prescription for 2014
Susan failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Centre today.
One of the questions was:
“In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?”
“F***ing’ big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.
Thanks Ello, for this one.
A last hat tip to the festive season of last year. Yes, I know. I know it was only last week, but some of you have muzzy fuzzy heads and are not sure what day it is never mind which year, so where was I and what was I up to?
Well, Elly did catch me with my arm around an elf when she was with me a few weeks ago.
I found me an elf!
So….. What about the big day?
That Elly wan and all the family think I was sitting at home on my own with my one mince pie and a little glass of wine, but… should I tell them what I was really up to?
I think I have to since I was rumbled.
It was Nancy L who sent this one to me, Do you think she was in cahoots with Mayo?
A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, ”Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and gold Rolex.”
“But you’re not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I am sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”
Thanks to Tilly for this sparkly number.
Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived
home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in
the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the
table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an
article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and who had to do their own
housework were too tired to have sex’.
The night went off very well. The next day, she told her office
friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up
the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’
‘But what about sex afterwards?’ asked her friends.
‘Oh, that?’ said Jenny …
‘Ralph was too tired…’
No, it was not Mayo this time, but his sidekick – Ramana, who passed on this little giggle today.